I've been thinking a lot lately about how different my life is now, certainly different from what I expected it to be that goes without saying but different now than what it was a year ago and even more so 2 years ago. Last year we had just started on this journey with Joshua, early intervention and therapy, it was all new and the idea that he was delayed was pretty new too.
I view things differently now. I am on lots of sites geared towards moms with kids with disabilities and I keep finding new ones. Stories that wouldn't have touched me as much before really do now.
I had a friend who has a child with Autism, she wasn't ever a close friend but now she's not my friend at all. She works in her state to help parents with children with disabilities yet she completely abandoned me. She's supposed to help other parents yet she criticized me for complaining, I guess she doesn't remember how I'm feeling now, how she felt a few years ago. I know she wasn't ever really my friend in the first place but it hurts more because she has a child with special needs and she wasn't given much hope when she got his diagnosis, he's doing phenomenally now. I could never do to someone else what she did to me. I think I'm entitled to complain more. I am envious of parents who complain about their children misbehaving when Joshua can't misbehave the same way.
I am constantly looking for new apps to download for Joshua's future iPad. We have about 70 apps now, not all for him but most of them are. All are free either lite editions of apps or were on sale so I got them for free.
I sent Joshua with my husband to his family's for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Since it's not my holiday (I'm Jewish in case you didn't know) and I decided I really needed the break. I was warned about missing them but is it awful to say that I enjoyed my break? I will admit having the house to myself for that long was a little strange but it was nice. I am now planning a trip to visit my niece and her family in March/April, a weekend I think, my first I hope of many, I hope to make it a yearly thing.
I am going to my first special needs conference in a few weeks. It's local and through Family Connection of SC, I think it will be really good. I know I wasn't ready last year but I am more ready now. I am feeling more and more like this is where I belong, not by choice but by need. This is where I need to be. There is a really great video I saw recently that really sums it all up.
I don't know why I'm on this path or why Joshua was the child chosen for us, maybe one day it will be more clear to me but for now this is where I am. When I can I take breaks to do things I enjoy because too much focus on special needs is too overwhelming for me but in small segments broken up I can handle it. I think I am doing better at handling things a little bit, it was a bit shaky there for a while but I am feeling ok.