Saturday, December 19, 2009

The little things

Tonight while we were out to dinner I got to thinking about how in the midst of all we are going through with Joshua it's the little things that keep me going. He was in the high chair looking down at the floor (something he does often, no idea why) and I called his name and he looked up at me beaming the biggest smile, the kind that melts your heart. I thought about how that is enough and how much I love him.

In less than two months time he has gone from not eating table food at all to eating anything and everything we put in front of him and I couldn't be happier about it! Tonight at dinner we ordered him his very first kid's meal off the menu and he ate most of it along with some of our food. He had most of a hot dog which Jamie performed surgery on to take the skin off so we didn't have to worry about him choking, green beans, carrots, steak fries, a roll, prime rib, and ribs. He has a wonderful appetite!

I am also very happy about his sleeping. He has always been a good sleeper but now that I am able to put him down in his crib to sleep for naps and bedtime it is even better. He talks for a little while and may cry but rarely. He is sleeping 12 hours at night, usually 7-7 and if he does wake up early in the morning he goes back to sleep on his own. He also is taking one short and one long nap per day, some days he even takes a short nap in the late afternoon. So he averages 15 hours of sleep per 24 hours, he loves to sleep!

Friday, December 18, 2009

PT Appt.

It wasn't great but while Joshua does have a delay she is very positive about it and is sure he will catch up. She loaned us a stander to put him in for 1 hour per day broken up into 2 or 3 increments. He is getting on his hands and knees by himself a lot more now so he will be crawling soon. The best news of all is that Jamie has volunteered to take Joshua from now on! It is heartbreaking for me to listen to him cry & scream throughout the session so if I can spare myself that heartache I am going to. So we aren't going to try find him another PT.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Physical therapy evaluation

Joshua had his physical therapy evaluation today and it was awful. The woman had no compassion or tact. She made me feel like an incompetent mother and that his delays were my fault. She said the jumper was the reason for him walking on his toes. I told her that his pediatrician wants him walking by 15 months so she said I should have brought him in sooner. She told me he has the gross motor skills of a 6 month old.

The worst part of the whole thing was her telling me I should let him scream and not allowing me to pick him up while he was screaming at the top of his lungs. She said I should sing the ABC song twice and then pick him up. No way could he hear me with the way he was screaming; his face was red and he was having trouble breathing not to mention it was an ear piercing scream. I almost started crying with him, I did cry all the way home and have not had a good day since then.

Can you imagine basically being told that you're not a good mother? That the job which is most important to you in the world you've messed up? I don't think that unless you have a child with a delay you can possibly understand. It is awful and heartbreaking. No amount of "It'll be okay" or "I'm sure he'll catch up" can fix it. What you do want is to work with compassionate people and to have some real and true friends who support you and don't make you feel worse.

If I didn't want what was best for him I wouldn't have started this process nor would I be continuing with it. Of course I do, I am his mother and I am a good mother! I love him more than anything in this world which is why this whole thing is so heartbreaking.

I work with him every single day but having been his mother for a year now I know that if he doesn't want to do something no amount of letting him cry or scream will change that. He is very strong willed and stubborn. He will do it when he wants to do it and not before. This is something that most people don't understand. His Early Interventionist, Sarah is very nice and sweet. We all like her very much. Even she though said something about him not wanting to do something that he's got to learn but you can't force him. That's part of the reason why this is so hard for me. I try and try and get nowhere.

I do not pick him up every time he cries but I do try to make him happy. If he is crying he is not going to do whatever I want him to do. Physical therapy or anything else won't work if he isn't going to cooperate, you can't force cooperation. If he's crying or screaming he isn't going to do what you want him to do.

The only problem is there is no one else who can take Joshua on right now. There are a few other PTs who will have openings in January. I am going to take him on Friday but I am going to tell her that I did not appreciate the way she treated me or Joshua and that she is going to have to work with me too, not just him. I will not allow him to scream for 2 minutes before I pick him up.