Here I am, 1 year later. 1 year after you are no longer physically here on this earth. I believe you are still with me but not physically as you used to be. So much has happened in 1 year. I'm not sure you would recognize life as it is right now but I will get into that later. So, 1 year ago today we were sitting in your hospital room and didn't know the significance of the day at the time. Tony, Robin, Steve, and I were all there. Jamie and Joshua were supposed to come meet us for dinner. We were playing a game of cards that I didn't understand and then we played go fish. We were watching you closely, watching your breaths, your breathing. I don't remember exactly how it happened but Robin thought it had been too long since you had taken a breath and it had been, and you were gone. Just like that. You were there so you know although of course I don't know what the experience was like for you, I only know what it was like for us. Of course we cried, we talked to you, we spent a long time in your room with you before we walked out of that room for the last time. The last time we would see you, your physical body. The next few days are a bit of blur to me until the service when we didn't see you but we knew your body was there and your spirit was there with us. I hope the service honored you, I hope we honored you. Friends came and it was a nice service. Then, one by one, everyone left. This was the hardest time for me. When everyone went back to their lives and I was left here without you. It was strange and difficult. I thought about you all the time. Every morning when I woke up it was the first thing I thought about, that you weren't here. For a long time, it was hard to not think about it. I really wasn't sure how or when it would get easier as they say it does but at some point, it did, I don't remember how or when but it did. I still think about you of course but it doesn't consume my thoughts all the time as it once did. I went to a support group at the hospital, not the one where you were but another one close by, it was okay and the people were nice but I didn't like it enough to go back. I had been in touch with Laney and the Rabbi who officiated your service (from the other synagogue, he was very nice) and they actually organized a support group that met at the JCC. I went a few times when I could (it was on Tuesday evenings and I usually had to pick up Joshua so I couldn't stay the whole time) but it was very nice. I also went to a very nice service at the hospital where you were for all families who had lost loved ones there and that was also very nice. So I did have support when I needed it. It wasn't the same as it had been when you were sick; less people checked up on me after as did during but they still did. Tony has been a tremendous support during the whole time and even now. I don't like the circumstances but we do have a relationship where we didn't before. I wish it could have happened earlier and that we could have all had a relationship together but I know you are glad that we have one now. I'm sure you know as well that Debbie and I have a relationship as well where we didn't at all before. I had only seen her at birthday parties for Nicole's son and we didn't really talk then. When we came up for a birthday party in August we actually stayed at her house. Then she came down for Joshua's birthday party in November and she stayed at our house. Nicole and the boys were supposed to come but one of them woke up sick so they couldn't make it but Debbie came all by herself and I really appreciated that. She has been so good and so sweet with Joshua. I know you would like that. We went up there for Thanksgiving and Christmas as well and most recently in February for another birthday party. Up until March things were going as "normal" as they could be. We attended events as we usually do. Joshua had spring baseball last spring, in fact Tony and Robin and Steve came to his last baseball game. Then he had it again in the fall. Last summer Joshua went to Camp Burnt Gin by himself for the 2nd time and we went to Camp Yofi as a family for the 4th time. Both were great. The night before we were supposed to leave for Camp Yofi I actually went to that support group at the hospital but before then we all had dinner at Bojangles and I think we got food poisoning because we all got sick that night and the next day. We were late for camp and Joshua and I were both still sick when we got there but felt better the next day. It wasn't the experience I hoped for but we made it work and by the end we were enjoying ourselves like we usually do. In the fall there were fall festivals, in the winter there were winter events and things continued on like that through February. In March we all learned about the virus that still has the country pretty much on lockdown. All events have been cancelled. Like I said earlier I don't know if you would recognize life as it is right now. I know it would be hard for you because nursing homes are on lockdown still and I don't know what life at Finlay House is like right now but we wouldn't be visiting as we once were due to the concerns associated with the virus. You would be considered vulnerable and we wouldn't want you to get sick. So it wouldn't good and we would be sad. We would be relegated to video calls. We cancelled our spring break trip where we were supposed to go to Virginia and Pennsylvania because everything was closed, including Sesame Place. This summer was supposed to be our big summer, we were supposed to go to Florida and go to Disney World, Sea World, and Discovery Cove. The Sunshine Foundation cancelled all trips through the end of 2022 and Disney World remains closed until July. We were supposed to be there right now. So we cancelled that trip as well and went to the beach for almost a week instead. It's probably the only thing we will do all summer because Camp Burnt Gin and Camp Yofi have both been cancelled. There was no school past the middle of March and we don't know when/if it will resume in person. Joshua did packets from school and went to ABA therapy where he is right now. This is our "new normal" for right now. No birthday parties, no spring baseball, no therapy at The Therapy Place so no Monday night support group or Family Fun Days since the middle of March. Joshua's speech therapist still comes and he still goes to ABA therapy, that's pretty much it for the foreseeable future. So that is pretty much what life has been like for the past year. I still miss you and think about you all the time. Like I said, not as often and it doesn't consume me as it once did but I do think about you and miss you. Tony has been in NYC since the middle of March and NYC is one of the "hot zones" for the virus, all of NY is really so he has had to stay to himself mostly but today he is in Hartsdale honoring you with a visit to Ferncliff. I wish I could be there with him. He is doing that and I am doing this, writing this letter to you. I'm sure you know most of what has happened this past year because you have been watching over all of us. I decided I wanted to write this as I would if I were writing to you or talking to you on the phone even if you know most of this. I feel like I have told you most of what I wanted to say but it's not enough and I don't know how to close this out. I don't want to stop. I hope you know that you had an impact on so many people in your life and that continues. People have reached out to me today because they knew the significance of the day. I'm sure they have reached out to you in their own way as well. I'm sorry if this rambles but I just wanted to get the words out and I know it's long and all over the place. There's a country song about if Heaven wasn't so far away and I wish that too. I wish we could still visit and there never had to be goodbye. Many songs touched me in a way they hadn't before. There was another one that just came out last summer and every time I heard it I cried about a father and son about even though I'm leaving I'm not going anywhere. I like to think that you're still right here even though you're not physically here anymore. Tony has been sending me photos all day since he left the city on his way to Hartsdale and Ferncliff and just sent me one of the stone, it makes it so much more real that you really aren't here anymore physically. I hope you are at peace, watching down on all of us. I hope you know that your brother did the right thing by you. Even though I couldn't go to the service in NY that it was beautiful and people who loved you were there including your brother. Your friend Esther was there, she is still in touch with me and sends us cards and sent Joshua gifts on the Jewish holidays and lights a candle for you. Your friend Carolyn as well and Jeanette were there and they both came down to see you at the hospital. Robin and Steve were here the whole time. We saw them when we went up for the birthday party in August and they still came to Joshua's birthday party in November. Taunya came to the hospital to see you too and came down for his party as well. I still don't know how to end this but hope you know how loved you are by so many people and that you are in so many people's thoughts all the time. I hope you know that I am okay. I am sure that is something you would be worried about. I am okay. I have lots of people that love me too and have looked after me. Lots of them contacted me today to let me know they are thinking about me. So this is not goodbye or anything like that. You are in my thoughts and I miss you and love you and that will never change. Just as you would say the same about me I am sure. I hope you are with people who love you and please tell them all I said hello. I've seen several renditions of the same idea of the people at the bedside of their loved one being sad but the people on the other side there to welcome their loved one are rejoicing. I hope that is what happened one year ago today.
Love always,
Elizabeth
